An Unseen Hope

Third Century Prayer of Eusebius

2010-06-10T23:57:00.008-04:00

May I be no man's enemy, and may I be the friend of that which is eternal and abides.
May I never quarrel with those nearest me: and if I do, may I be reconciled quickly.
May I love, seek, and attain only that which is good.
May I wish for all men’s happiness and envy none.
May I never rejoice in the ill-fortune of one who has wronged me.
When I have done or said what is wrong, may I never wait for the rebuke of others, but always rebuke myself until I make amends.
May I win no victory that harms either me or my opponent.
May I reconcile friends who are angry with one another.
May I never fail a friend who is in danger.
When visiting those in grief may I be able by gentle and healing words to soften their pain.
May I respect myself.
May I always keep tame that which rages within me.
May I accustom myself to be gentle, and never be angry with people because of circumstances.
May I never discuss who is wicked and what wicked things he has done, but know good men and follow in their footsteps.

2010-01-01T11:50:00.000-05:00

And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year: Give me a light, that I may tread safely into the unknown.
And he replied: Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light, and safer than a known way.

~ M. Louise Haskins

View from a Couch

2009-02-12T23:12:00.002-05:00

Yes, we are one of those converter-box households.

The Little Joys of Teaching

2009-02-11T11:09:00.000-05:00

Sigh .... time to write a test.

Maybe nobody'll notice .....

2009-02-10T22:10:00.002-05:00

At least we didn't have to wait for the UPS man to come back ....

Must. Stop. Neglecting. .... this too.

2009-02-09T23:05:00.003-05:00

See previous post.

Must. Stop. Neglecting.

2009-02-08T22:22:00.003-05:00

One of the multitudinous New Year's Goals to be working on ...

"Some Settling May Occur" .... I don't buy it.

2009-02-07T23:51:00.003-05:00

Freshly opened Noodle-Roni box

Ditto

2009-02-06T23:03:00.003-05:00

The first addition to the happy little home ... 20 months ago.

Little Man Tucker

2009-02-05T22:05:00.010-05:00

The 5-month-old (1 month with us) little brother ... aka Our Little Scavenger

Madame Sophia Pumpkinhead

2009-02-04T22:26:00.004-05:00

The 18-month-old (17 months with us) big sister ... aka Our Little Predator

Our Only Way to Battle the Cold

2009-02-03T22:59:00.002-05:00

Unfortunately for us, this has absolutely NOTHING to do with the ice storm. :-(

All the Necessary Gear .... except one thing

2009-02-02T22:30:00.004-05:00

Some assembly required. Sparring partner not included. :-(

Happy New Year .... take 2!

2009-02-01T21:08:00.003-05:00

Ice Storm 2009 is at least SOMEWHAT over ..... though 350,000 in Kentucky (83,000 of whom are in Louisville) are still without power. But today's temperatures got up to the upper 40s and low 50s this weekend, melting a lot of the stuff and (fortunately!) not snapping any further trees and lines in the process. And, while the warming gave a brief reprieve to those without power, temperatures will be dropping back down into the 20s over the next couple days. Jefferson County Public Schools will be closed for one more day, but the Archdiocesan schools (with the exception of two) will be back in session tomorrow. Thus, the resetting of the alarm ..... and the attempts to figure out how best to ease myself (and my girls) back into the routine.

{And, with the subject line .... obviously, the New Year's Goals never quite took, so I'm starting again.}

Day 3

2009-01-03T23:59:00.000-05:00

Roommate randomly decided today that she wanted a cat that liked her {she claims that my precious little baby is of the devil}, so this little guy has been here all of four hours in the apartment. He's still nameless, although she's taken to calling him "Little Man", which I actually kind of like. Surprisingly, Madame Sophia Pumpkinhead is taking it quite well --- at least, better than we expected --- but I thought this shot of Little Man cornered by the fridge gave a nice sense of who's in charge.

New Year, New Beginnings

2009-01-03T23:12:00.001-05:00

Much as I'm a film purist, an all-manual camera snob .... I got a digital SLR for Christmas. Now granted, it's not my trusty Pentax, nor does its basic 18-55mm lens even come close to my most-beloved 75-300mm zoom ..... it still has its good points. And much MUCH better for the good quick shots than my little digital Canon (though that one's good for the pocketability). {Need I mention I'm a bit of a photo geek?} Anyway, I'm still into the film thing, and, while there's a lot of expense in processing film, I don't see myself giving up my Pentax anytime soon. All that being said ..... I have, to some extent, given up my Pentax, in that I haven't done much shooting in QUITE a long time. My roommate's been chomping at the bit, trying to get me back into it, but it hasn't worked too well. But, now that there's not the film expense involved .....

Also, I've been intending {and been being nagged by the roommate as well} to get back onto the blog scene. Great option for that came as I was looking up who-knows-what on Google {ahh, Google -- world's greatest time-evaporator!} and discovered Project 365. I think I had heard of it before, but film made it not-very-feasible. But NOW, with the new toy ..... all things are possible. {Well, perhaps not ALL things, but .....}

So, thus I begin my very own Project365. The one site that they suggested as a good host unfortunately told me that they are not accepting new registrations until Monday, so I will have to wait until then to be official. In the meantime, though ..... that doesn't mean I can't start here, correct?

Thus, I present to you (back-datedly) .... my first three shots of the year!

Day 2

2009-01-02T23:51:00.001-05:00

A Palmy with a mostly crossed-off list {Goodwill chair was looked for but didn't exist; recycling was attempted, but city-employee furlough day was forgotten; school stuff (of course) remaining}, shot next to my EMPTY gmail inbox. Granted, I feel like a somewhat cheater, since the inbox just got labelled "MUST BE DEALT WITH" and archived, but at least I've got a clean slate for the moment, and I'll (hopefully) go back and clear things out as I get the chance. It's at least a start, yes?

Day 1

2009-01-01T23:38:00.001-05:00

Last week, while at home, for some reason I found myself all inspired for all these things I was going to do in the New Year. Not resolutions, really .... but every once in a while I get all gung-ho about new ideas for life. No surprise, I didn't write any of them at the time, but they rattled around my head for a week or so until I got on a plane Wednesday to fly back to Loovul, whereupon I wrote down those which I could remember, as well as new ones that those inspired. I don't think it's TOO overly-optimistic, and I think I did an OK job on trying to make things concrete and managable, but we'll see how it goes. {Click to zoom in} My biggest thing will be establishing a system to keep everything going AND to keep success visible .... I have good thoughts for this. And yes, blogging is there too --- and perhaps that will help with accountability!

2009-01-01T00:00:00.000-05:00

And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year: Give me a light, that I may tread safely into the unknown.

And he replied: Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light, and safer than a known way.

~ M. Louise Haskins

Sigh .....

2008-12-03T16:21:00.008-05:00

Courtesy of http://www.addletters.com/bart-simpson-generator.htm

Off for the Turkey Time

2008-11-25T16:29:00.002-05:00

Well, folks ..... I'm about to head out for the airport to fly back out east, and still have yet to dig out the duffel bag .... GACK!!! In the meantime, however, I'd like to just wish you all a happy Turkey-Day, with lots of thanks offered for the stuff we have, before Friday shows up and we begin to obsess over the stuff we want but don't have yet.

Peaceful travels, and enjoy some tasty triptophan treats!

Well, it's done.

2008-11-23T13:47:00.002-05:00

The "old blog" has been reposted. I forgot how entertaining some of my stuff was {not that I'm biased or anything} ... hopefully it will get me going once more. Of course, working on my kids with lectio, prepping them for their Advent Reflection Projects ..... with Advent sneaking up like this ..... maybe I'll start attempting more reflections of my own. In the meantime ..... have fun revisiting the past, if'n you choose.

Meanwhile, I'm going to attempt to catch up on grading & planning. Some things never change, eh?

Thoughts on the Cross-Post

2008-11-12T14:50:00.002-05:00

I've said various times what a struggle it's been, not having my old blog up-and-about for reference purposes, if nothing else. Today, while on wandering the woods on sophomore retreat with my girls, I decided that it had turned into some "dirty little secret", this past life that I had to keep locked away. My initial thought was to go back and strip out all identifying references, but then was wondering why even that would be necessary. The only person that might be presented in my blog would have been myself. So, I figured I'd just do a straight republish. I wrote up an apology/explanation (posted below) in case anyone got bothered by it, and put it up. I'm now somewhat torn ..... wanting to repost, but not wanting to seem all in-your-face with my changed decision about closing the blog. We'll see. Hopefully, this will help get me back on the track of reclaiming the voice that was lost almost two years ago. I miss all my BlogWorld friends.

The End of the Blog -- CROSSPOSTED

2008-11-12T14:46:00.007-05:00

CROSS-POSTED FROM, and about only, THE "OLD BLOG"

REMEMBER: All views and opinions posted on this blog are strictly that -- views and opinions of the author alone. Contents should not be seen as representative of anyone other than this single individual author.

A year and a half ago, I closed down this blog. It was a decision made for a variety of reasons, none of which seem necessary to go into at the moment. I shut down Narrow, cleared out the posts (saved them as drafts, actually), and got myself all set up in a new location. But blogging there was sporadic at best. Not that there was nothing to say, but I was unsure of how to go about it. I felt as though I had lost my voice. I worked so long and hard to develop it, to feel confident enough that YES, I had something to say and YES there were people who actually might be interested, to begin to feel the push to think more deeply than just a passing snark.

And then I wiped out the blog. The old one, the one where I made such developments.

And then I found myself faced with a dilemma.

How do I start from scratch, and ignore all that past history?

How do I write my thoughts on some event of the day, with no ability for new readers to visit the archives and see what it is that I was referring to?

I didn't really want to. I even wrote about it on the new blog, various times, as I tried so hard to dig myself out of the rut. I wanted to write, I wanted to think, to share, I wanted to reconnect with that whole blogging community that existed beyond my simple little apartment .... that community of folks with whom I had connected myself before so very-abruptly vanishing.

I missed my wider world of people. I missed the friends I now know in real life (and yet still only call by their blog names) .... in dropping out of the blog, I dropped out of their lives, and some even live right across town.

And yet ..... it seemed too hard. It seemed too hard, like too much work. I had fought so hard to break free of myself the first time around, I wasn't sure if I really wanted to go through that battle again.

I've fought, for a year and a half, to create my voice from scratch. It hasn't happened. I've tried to recreate the voice I discovered here in a brand new setting .... but with none of its old friends to offer comfort in a new place, the voice has refused to appear.

This blog is still closed. Comments are still closed. But this blog is no longer gone. The voice will live on, to be seen by those who wish to visit. And the voice will continue to grow, bloom, and develop (I hope!) over at the new place. No harm, disrespect, or offense is intended in this decision; only gratitude extended for the many and varied companions on this journey.

This road has been narrow, and continues to be thus. This road has taken many twists and turns and, I imagine, will continue to do thus. I hope that I may continue on undaunted, that I may never lose sight of God's mercy.

Clothed then with faith and the performance of good works, let us set out on this way, with the Gospel for our guide, that we may deserve to see him who has called us to his kingdom.

And may He who has begun this good work in us bring it to completion.

CROSS-POSTED FROM, and about only, THE "OLD BLOG"

Whose Line Is It Anyway?

2008-09-04T15:22:00.004-04:00

Interesting article in WaPo .... In the Words of My Speechwriter asks about taking someone else's words as your own, and why it's bad when it's called plagiarism but when it's good it's called speechwriting. It reminded me of earlier in the year, when Hillary was getting all snippy at Obama for using a friend's quote in one of his speeches; she made some comment about how, if we're going to argue about words, they should at least be our words. And yet, how many of any of these guys use their own words? I guess that's part of what bugs me about this whole political process ..... everyone will say whatever needs to be said, and none of it's gonna mean much of anything once there's a win.

It's not even like any of the words actually say anything about the candidate, either. Generally, it's more along the lines of "My opponent is such a scumbag so you must vote for me. True, I do bad stuff, but not NEARLY as bad as THEM!" Really ..... I'd like to actually choose a leader, rather than resort to the least offensive one left standing.

Or maybe I'm just sick and tired of the stupid Bruce Lunsford/Mitch McConnell crap that you can't go 2.5 minutes without seeing on Kentucky TV.

Unnamed Randomness

2008-09-03T17:21:00.004-04:00

A few random tidbits since Kitty Doofy-Brain has decided (as usual) that the best place for her to curl up is right on top of my grade sheets. Granted, I did lie down on my bed so I could keep her lil' napping self company, but I would have been just as happy to be next to her .... not having her crawl under my chin and then climb her nine pounds into my shirt, via the head-hole! But at least she wasn't biting, so I suppose that's a plus .....

∂∂∂ I give these random little 5-point Daily Quizzes to my students that usually cover something from the class before. Last class there wasn't that much easy fodder for quick questions, so I asked what the name of the hurricane was that just swept through Louisiana. Student's Response: Hurricane Glucose

∂∂∂ Part of the lack of fodder comes from the fact that last class I had a random hodge-podge of activities for them to do to help them realize that the Bible was not dictated by God in 21^st-century English. So I had them "translate" a spaceless paragraph in Greek letters back into English .... the next activity saw them getting English letters and spaces in exchange for vowels, so they figure out where the AEIOUYs had to go .... then they got all the vowels AND consonants in all the proper places with spaces inbetween the words --- but they were Middle-English-Canterbury-Tales words .... and so forth. Towards the end I asked them what the point of all this was and one student raised her hand: "Because you enjoy watching us get frustrated?" I replied no, that it was just an added bonus.

∂∂∂ Disclaimer of the Year Award (or at least of the Day) .... On a household bathroom window: Insect Screens are intended to provide reasonable insect control and are not for the purpose of providing security or to provide for the retention of objects or persons from the interior.

∂∂∂ I built a beautiful fencing target about a month ago. After fencing in the Bluegrass State Games, wherein I came in last and got a medal anyway (gotta love that there were only seven foilists there!), I decided that I was gonna bust my chops for these two tournaments at the beginning of September. So I concocted a nice little target to mount on my wall and some ideas for some drillwork and conditioning ..... and have yet to do any of it. And now my tournament is a mere three days away!!!

∂∂∂ Nun-thing still there .... sort of. The new community is kind of in-between vocation directors right now, so I've got that excuse, but it's not a very good one. The new vocation director, however, I had met a couple times way back on my first time around, so perhaps that might make a difference. Not sure, though .... there's a part of me that feels a little of the "been there, done that, do I really want to start from scratch again?" So we'll see ......

And on the political sphere ...... I'm not big on McCain, but you kinda gotta feel sorry for the guy. First a hurricane blows through and completely overshadows both his pick for VP as well as the start of his convention, then all the stuff starts flying about the daughter of the VP choice. All sorts of commentaries are going on about various aspects of Governor Palin, so I'm not even going to go there about Alaska being near Russia or the fact that her teenage daughter did what so many teenage daughters do. What amazes me, though, is the fact that, while we hear so much about her daughter having a child, we don't hear anything about Palin's child. She has a five-month-old child with special needs. I know all the stuff about working mothers and fathers raising the children, but I still gotta wonder how it would actually work.

I also feel bad for Alaska. It's such an overlooked state, except for when we want more oil, and this would have been such a great way to bring it into the spotlight. Unfortunately, this is not the best PR spotlight for our friends up way-north. Needless to say, I also feel bad for Bristol Palin and the boyfriend ..... just messiness all around.

And, on the note of messiness all around, I leave you with my final thought and hope for you: May your pet elephant never develop a peanut allergy.

How Appropriate!!!

2008-07-25T01:16:00.004-04:00

Friday Five: What You Absolutely, Positively, Can't Leave Home Without
We will be at a chaplain's convention when you all are answering the Friday Five Questions. I'll look forward to reading your answers next week when I get home. At the moment we are trying to get the car loaded so we can hit the road, so this will be a simple F.F. This running around madly in order to leave has me wondering: what are the five things you simply must have when you are away from home? And why? Any history or goofy things, or stories?

I say "How Appropriate" because I myself am away, and I myself had the frenzied moments of getting everything pulled together before hitting the airport {along with the list of online stuff like bills to tend to once I'm mooching my parents' computer!}. This current excursion involves a couple days at my parents' house in the DC area before heading off with them and the 82,000 siblings, siblings-in-law, & nieces/nephews to the Delaware beaches for a week {purely coincidental timing .... had no idea .... quite upset that I have to go along with them .....}. Thusly, this trip is a little different than others, in that I know I can mooch off fambly for stuff .... but, it provides a framework!

Basic and most honest answer to what I feel I must have and therefore try to pack: WAAAAYYYY more than necessary. Even this time, I tried to do better, but .... ummmm .....

But, in no particular order .... some things currently with me and others not ....
1. Journal ~ Comes with me, everywhere in fact (even in my schoolbag), yet rarely gets opened. Hmmmm. It's kinda like all those blog posts I've been creating in my head over this past year — and yet, if you look back at my archives .....
2. Stuffed animal ~ Some, often small, variety of furriness. Not really sure why {maybe because I still sleep with my big teddy bear}, but there's always something tucked into a backpack pocket.
3. Camera ~ Old-school all-manual Pentax K1000, with a favorite lens of a 75-300 mm zoom. I'm all official-looking, what with my photo vest with 82,000 pockets {ok, so maybe it's more dork-looking, but whatever}. Unfortunately, I've gotten out of the photog-thing, and really need to get back into it .... but, if you think about the concept of inertia .... well, it seems to just travel so cozily in its little case that it never even emerges. Didn't even come with me this time, although a smaller point-and-shoot {SIGH!} digital did. So, we'll see. But you can't do photography with a point-and-shoot. Take pictures, yes. Create a shot, not quite. Yes, I admit it, I'm a camera snob!
4. Books ~ Again, generally far more than necessary. Tried to do better this time, though. And, with it being beach time, there's a good chance they might actually get opened. Generally, too, I'd bring some semi-holyish book that I end up not even pulling out of the bag because of company or whatever, so I didn't even bother with those this time. We'll see the progress and/or success/failure of the current journey's book selection. {Though I DID get more than halfway through one just on the plane!}
5. Tunesy & Palmy ~ Palmy's especially great with its WiFi abilities .... and will be even greater once I ever achieve my goal of figuring out the best way to configure it so that it will really help me get all organized and orchestrated. {Because, of course, it has to be perfectly set up, with no changes as time passes!} But it will happen. Maybe I can brainstorm it while on the beach.....

So, that's my off-the-top-of-the-head list. And yes, you may have noticed an absence of things like underwear and toothbrushes, but ..... well ..... that should give you a sense of my priorities, no?

Peace out .... I'll eat some ice cream & fries for you!

A Steph by any other name ....

2008-07-18T10:51:00.003-04:00

I figured this might be an easier one to manage, provided that I can use my former {sniff} blog for most of the answers .....

RevGalBlogPals Friday Five: What's in a Name?

1a. So how did you come up with your blogging name?
Well, coming up with my blogging name required a good deal of work and effort, and at the same time, a good bit of spontaneity. You see, as of approximately thirty-five years ago exactly, the blogging names in the works were Cecilia and some other currently-escaping-the-brain possibility. However, as of thirty-five-years-minus-three-months-and-eleven-days {give or take .... it's summer, my brain can't handle math!}, an unknown was pulled in from the minor leagues, and thus the Stephanie was created.

However, in the previous now-swimming-with-the-fishies blog {can I say "sniff" again?}, I did often claim for myself the title of "The Reluctant Nun" that was bestowed upon me by ellipsis. Who knows, though ..... as I begin to re-emerge into the BlogO'World, perhaps I'll create something new. But, as with trail names, I feel that it's something that will need to evolve and develop, rather than a quick grab-bag choice.

1b. And/or the name of your blog?
Old blog: Narrow at the Outset, at nuntime.blogspot.com. Rationale came in the first post, which I'll copy/paste at the end of this.
New blog: An Unseen Hope. Some commented early on that it actually looks like "A Nun Seein' Hope", which I suppose could also be appropriate, but I'm not going to look at that piece right now. It actually comes from Romans 8:18-27, with the naming verse up there under the title. The whole idea of hoping in that which is not seen has really resonated with me over the last couple years, and especially considering all the challenges of this new-life-in-transition .... well, it seemed kind of appropriate. So, I tried all sorts of variations until Blogspot told me that I had its permission to use "anunseenhope" .... and here it is.

2. Are there any code names or secret identities in your blog? Any stories there?
This one's really too new for any of that .... The Roommate should be pretty self-explanatory, and ACertainLittlePumpkinhead actually isn't code either -- the real name is Sophia Pumpkinhead. Madame Sophia Pumpkinhead when I'm feeling official. And no, she's not orange. {Great story .... kids first semester knew all about her, because she was a not-even-five-week-old kitten found under the assistant principal's car right before school started. Second semester I used her in a PowerPoint early on -- new kids would ask the name and then get confused. In one class, though, someone asked "Is that Whiskerface?"; a classmate turned with an expression of utter "How stupid can you be?" and said, "No, it's Sophia Pumpkinhead." As if SP was a more normal, explainable, and understandable title. I DID like the idea of Whiskerface, though....}

Main one I can think of from the old blog was The Dude of Bigness, courtesy of eb, in reference to The Man Upstairs.

3. What are some blog titles that you just love? For their cleverness, drama, or sheer, crazy fun?
Well, I would have to say right off the bat: Narrow at the Outset and An Unseen Hope. Other than that, though, I've so woefully neglected the BlogWorld out of guilt for my own absence {I don't feel it right to read other people's blogs if I'm not allowing them to return the favor} that I feel I must abstain. At least at the moment, anyway. Perhaps I'll come back to this later ...

4. What three blogs are you devoted to? Other than the RevGalBlogPals blog, of course!
Ummmm, well ...... see number 3. Lots I was devoted to, lots of connections that I kinda miss at times, but don't feel I can count them as "devoted" {devotees? devoters?} if it's only been in my head.

5. Who introduced you to the world of blogging and why?
I think the one that gave me the biggest push was SusanRose. Seeing her write her discernment journey made me wish there had been something like that when I was discerning {more in the if-I-ever-finish Story of a Vocation}. While I wasn't in those most-initial processes at that point, I could at least give a window into the world of a new kid in religious life. Plus, it helped promote my community, share what life in our modern-day monastery looked like, and helped dispel whatever nun-myths might be out there. All things in which I hope I was successful.

Bonus question: Have you ever met any of your blogging friends? Where are some of the places you've met these fun folks?
Natty ~ Came to the monastery for a Benedictine Life Weekend back in October 2005.
SisterChrister ~ Met up for breakfast when visiting my brother in July 2007.
LoremIpsum ~ Went to dinner and a movie in February 2006 and then a few other meet-ups. Yet another woeful absence, this one all-the-sadder because she's right here in town. {I'll rectify it, I promise! I'm just not sure I have your info anymore.} By the same token, though, I only know her by her BlogName. I mean, I know her real name; I just can't associate her real name with her. She'll always be Lorem in my mind.
Sophie'sDaughter ~ December 2007, March and June 2008, at various RSCJ discernment things.

Plus, there are other folks I know who blog, but I knew them before the blogs started, so I'm not sure if that really counts. And I'm really hoping I didn't forget anyone, but am hoping that you'll (a)remind me and (b)forgive me.

Narrow at the Outset

2008-07-18T10:18:00.004-04:00

Cross-posted from previous blog, August 22, 2005: Therefore we intend to establish a school for the Lord's service. In drawing up its regulations, we hope to set down nothing harsh, nothing burdensome. The good of all concerned, however, may prompt us to a little strictness in order to amend faults and to safeguard love. Do not be daunted immediately by fear and run away from the road that leads to salvation. It is bound to be narrow at the outset. But as we progress in this way of life and in faith, we shall run on the path of God's commandments, our hearts overflowing with the inexpressible delight of love.

~ from the Prologue of the Rule of Benedict

A little over a year ago, I used the second part of this quote (beginning with "Do not be daunted") as part of the cover artwork for my first monastic profession. And now, as I think about blogging my Benedictine experience, that one part in particular keeps coming to mind. Not that I'm a complete newbie -- I've been in community three years now. But, at the same time, I'm just beginning the mix of full-time ministry and smaller community life (away from the monastery). So, in some respects, I am just beginning once more.

But that's one of the things I love about Benedict. He doesn't expect perfection. He acknowledges that it might be a little tough in the beginning .... "but hang in there." For me at least, that's a whole lot more encouraging than the images of holy perfection floating on clouds.

"Sure, it'll be tough, but if you can just stick it out ...."

Question about women's ordination

2008-07-17T17:40:00.009-04:00

Watching "Bless Me, Father" from the library while sorting through random boxes of WAAAAYYY old stuff ..... great logic to remember for school, though I'd probably get in trouble to bring it up in the classroom:

Can I ask you another question, Father?
Provided it is about the Mass, Mrs. Rawlings.
Alright ... why can't women say Mass?
The Church doesn't ordain women as priests.
But why not?
Well ... ah ... our Lord himself only chose men priests.
But he only chose Jews, didn't he?
[stops to think] So?
Are you Jewish?
I'm thinking about it.

Maybe THEN my kids'd catch on to the idea that Jesus was Jewish, and that his message was not controversial because it taught this new-fangled idea of a single God.

Three Tiny Thoughts Before Bed

2008-05-23T22:47:00.003-04:00

¤ One week of class down, and already WAY behind. Sigh. {Some things never change ...}
¤ 60 Amish have moved from Wisconsin and New York to southern Indiana. The name of their new Crawford County hometown? English. {And I thought they moved to get away from the English ...}
¤ After tomorrow I'll have a real shot of me looking like this, after my first-ever fencing tournament in Cincinnati. {Granted, I have yet to purchase real gear of my own, so I won't look fully official, but still ...}

Yay for sharp stabby pointy things!!!

Assignment #1

2008-05-20T21:34:00.002-04:00

"This is how you are to pray: Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name." How does your image of God affect how you approach God in prayer?

And herein lies a major reason for the taking of this course – the grappling with technicalities. After all, God is big, broad, abstract; uncontainable in any single word, concept, or image; so far beyond anything that we can imagine; powerful and knowledgeable beyond that which the mind can grasp. How does one put human words to that?

And yet, if one has no concept as to who is being addressed, then how does one even know there is an “other” being addressed? What makes words randomly cast out into the vast unknown any different than words directed to a vast unknown? Does the mere mention of a name render that distinction? I can’t imagine so. After all, if I’m sitting in my room by myself and I suddenly call out “Gretchen”, my college roommate does not suddenly materialize before me, nor is she even aware of what I’ve said after her name. Likewise, if God is always there, simply saying the word doesn’t change his presence or status. Besides, isn’t God always listening?

And God IS always present, God IS always listening. My requesting some ears doesn’t make them any more present than my not saying anything leads to their absence. Nor does my following “God” with some announcement of the latest student antics tell him anything he didn’t know before. It’s like telling someone to drive safe – “Oh, I hadn’t even thought of that. I was actually contemplating getting into a three-car pile-up, but since you’ve put it that way…” – my asking God to take care of someone doesn’t suggest anything brilliantly new.

There’s the old line about how “Prayer doesn’t change God, it changes us” … which then would lead to the question of what makes prayer different than thoughts; what makes talking to God different than talking to oneself; what makes the distinction between God “responding” and one’s own thoughts.

In terms of an image of God … I have this photograph I took in Appalachia a few years back, of the sun setting over the mountain lake. The sun is not directly visible, and yet it is obvious that the sun is there, from both the rays and the reflection. I had a student once say that “God is like a puzzle, but we can’t tell what the picture is because we all are the pieces.” Neither image lends itself to a conversational target, and yet both speak to an incontestable entity permeating throughout all aspects of life.

The absence of words does not imply an absence of spirit, nor does an absence of comprehension imply an absence of faith. I often think that “persistence has got to count for something”, that it’s the attempt that counts; yet, oftentimes, the attempt gets negated and dismissed as “just words”. A struggle that occasionally disappears into the woodwork, but more often inspires a self-proclaimed attitude of fakerness and hypocrisy.

And so I enter into this course: an attempt to return the self-imposed hypocrisy to the woodwork, and to infuse the sense of innocence back into my spirit.

To quote Madeleine L’Engle: Who is this creator to whom I cry out, “Help!” How can I believe in a God who cares about individual lives on one small and unimportant planet? I don’t know. I just don’t know. But I cannot turn away from the hope and the mystery which can never be understood. I know only that when I cry out, “Help!” the fact that I am crying out affirms that somewhere in some part of me I hope that there is someone who hears, who cares. The One I cry out to is not limited by size or number, and can be glimpsed only in metaphor, that chief tool off imagery of the poet. And it is only in the high language of poetry that anything can be said about God.

And so I try … if nothing else, to remind myself not to turn away from the hope, even if the mystery seems too great. And thus I enter this new round of study.

Back to the Homework Grind ... and, perhaps, the Blog?

2008-05-20T19:19:00.008-04:00

OK, so I'm taking an online course through Dayton's Virtual Learning Community for Faith Formation. A couple years ago I tried the Social Justice course but, true to slacker form, didn't finish it. Of course, I think I deserve a little credit for the fact that I didn't know there was some big ol' project to finish it out. Plus, I was in the middle of community craziness and all sorts of other excuses that I could concoct. Unfortunately, when Slacker Me missed the registration deadline of last Wednesday & emailed to see if I could still do it, the lady looked me up and let me know my registration info from before. Dagnabbit! I was hoping to create a new account, rather than having this "Did Not Finish" on my permanent record. It doesn't help that my account name is "sayosb" --- how's that for an in-your-face ever time I log in?

Regardless .... at some point last week my brain got away from me, and I foolishly signed myself up for Introduction to Prayer (As in all relationships, communication is vital to its sustained growth. Prayer is the means by which God and we communicate. In prayer, God invites us to a deepening and continuing relationship. At the same time, we express our thoughts, desires and needs. Prayer guides us in our everyday lives and helps us to foster an abiding relationship with the One who loves us beyond all others. This course introduces the participants to the rich tradition and experience of prayer that will enable them to continually grow in the way in which God and we communicate.) As I said, I'm not quite sure what my fingers were smoking, but I can say that my roommate is quite gleeful in her gloating that I'm actually ~~attempting~~ taking this course.

So, at her ~~brainwashing~~ suggestion, I will possibly be posting my work on both the course website and on here, with the ultimate intent that this will get me back into the long-desired BlogWorld.

Quite honestly, part of my absence from the blog has been the fact that my previous blog had to "disappear" in an organized-crime kind of way. This whole thing of having to recreate myself once more is not the most exciting, and considering that I still think that there's a lot of value to that which I typed in previous years, I'm kinda ticked that it all had to disapparate. Needless to say, rather than deleting everything, I did a "Save Post As Draft" so _I_ still have access to them, but that doesn't help people who come to my blog. But cross-posting them here doesn't really necessarily make sense either, given the changes in life circumstances.

But, I'm digressing. Suffice it to say that I don't like that my blog-personality has to begin again from scratch, and that's made me reluctant to jump those hoops again. At the same time, I miss all my bloggy connections, and want to get back that virtual community that I liked so much.

So ..... here's my schoolwork as I do it. Interspersed within it, hopefully, will be new postings and thoughts as well. Please just understand that this is not my norm, that these homeworks are reaching FAR beyond my comfort zone. But the way I figure it ...... I now have added motivation to post stuff apart from classwork, so that maybe this P-Word stuff can get lost in the shuffle.

It's a nice thought, anyway.....

And, yes, now that I'm blogging, I'll make this little place a bit more home-y .... hang some links up in the sidebar, readjust the colors, etc. Kinda stinky --- I had just gotten my HTML skillz down pat and Blogger had to change their coding. Just another speed-hump on my road to Blog-covery .....

Does anyone else think this is odd?

2008-05-16T06:35:00.002-04:00

Secret Service: No guns allowed at NRA event with John McCain

So ..... this is an event that's advertised on billboards all over here in Loovul, the national NRA convention with "Acres of Guns and Gear" .... but no guns will be allowed when McCain comes to talk? Are they going to clear out all the sales tables? And isn't this the same group that insists that guns are safe and can be trusted ..... and yet they have no problem having guns be banned? [We just saw on the morning news the NRA lady talking about how they are all law-abiding people and they fully support this ruling.]

Summary: Guns are good, gun-owners are safe, but no guns will be allowed at the gun-owning convention because something bad might happen. I guess they're afraid of a bad person sneaking in with a gun ......

You Make A Very Good Point

2008-05-12T06:59:00.004-04:00

Question posed by the roommate while watching the local morning news show:

Why can we raise the price of stamps and the price of gas but not raise minimum wage? How can we think that people can live off $5.15 an hour when gas is $4.00 a gallon?

Took me a minute to process that the gas tank needs multiple $4.00 deposits to fill it up.

Bluff the Listener

2008-05-10T23:23:00.005-04:00

In honor of Wait Wait Don't Tell Me's game of finding the real news story among some not-so-real ones, I present some headlines for your consideration:

»»» An epilepsy web forum was bombarded with multitudes of little flashing animations --- all the better to seize you with, my dear.

»»» In honor of the 100^th anniversary of Mother's Day, House Republicans asked for an individual vote on H Res 1113 "so their mothers could be proud of their children's support" --- and then proceeded to vote unanimously against the Republican-sponsored annual matriarchal honor.

»»» Symbolic comparisons have been drawn between the fate of Kentucky Derby runner-up Eight Belles and her supporter Hilary Clinton --- and this was before Tuesday's primaries.

»»» President Bush promised $770 million in international food aid, beginning in October -- $50 million less than is spent on two days of fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Awww, heck .... who am I kidding? Like I could make up anything better?!?!?

I Saved Killed Three People Today

2008-04-04T17:17:00.005-04:00

I tried, but .... the little droppy was too floaty! :-(

Anyone seen some filled speech-bubbles lying around?

2008-03-20T14:23:00.002-04:00

I see to have misplaced mine .....

I give up .......

2007-11-30T16:05:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to figure out how to transition over to this new blog (an idea with which, as you can obviously tell, I have not been the most successful!), but it's been a challenge. That, in turn, I believe is most likely due to the fact that I haven't fully figured out how to handle any of the other transitions in my life .... so really, this is just par for the course.

For those of you who didn't know (or haven't picked up on it), I left the monastery in June. Long story that will be shared as I continue "The Story of a Vocation" as I get around to it. Waiting until I finished it, though, was just keeping me from the rest of this.

So I'm back in civilian life ...... though civilian life in transition, as I'm seriously looking at that order that I was "supposed to" go with all along (as you'll read in maybe Parts 4 and/or 5). But since I hadn't made final profession, I get to start from scratch all over again. This year is a time to just get my feet back under me; nothing serious/official until next year...... just visiting and connecting as I choose and/or desire.

Life as a "normal" person has had its moments, but for the most part it's been pretty good. I've most generally been able to play the avoidance game, get myself lost in my new life, and ignore all the big changes I've put myself through. But then, every once in a while, a moment slips in. And then, hard-core independent that I am, I have an issue or two.

Please understand --- I left the monastery strictly by my own choosing. I even made the comment to the prioress that this would have been a lot easier if I had been completely miserable and hated everyone. But the reality was that I truly loved the place and those people, and I had been given so unspeakably much in my time there ..... yet, at the same time, there's more to being a monastic that wonderful people and beautiful grounds.

I'm still in Loovul, still at the same job. If I saw myself leaving religious life completely, I might have been a little more hard-core about the name switch, but since I'm looking more to just switch communities, it keeps things unique and entertaining for these kids who have known me for two years as "Sr. Steph" --- even the administration still calls me that at times.

And now I'm having issues continuing with the typing of this post, as a certain little Pumpkinhead has decided to lay her chin on my touchpad and limit most of the access to my spacebar. I guess posting pictures of aforementioned kitten will have to come later.

Hmmmmm, if I slide the laptop away a bit, I have a little more access. We'll see how long this lasts before she decides to start nibbling my thumbs instead .....

Today I went on a Day of Reflection with some of the high school campus ministers in the area. I had already been planning on taking a personal day to catch up from Thanksgiving (they call it a break?!?!?), so when our campus minister emailed about an extra spot, I jumped at the opportunity to legitimize my absence (and lessen my slacker-induced guilt).

Thing is, it was all about Advent. How Advent really means "To come into being." About the importance of silence, and stepping back, and making time sacred. And discussing how we do that, and what helps us with that. And I'm just sitting there thinking about all my hiding places at the Hill, and the ritual of liturgical seasons at the Hill, and the O Antiphons at the Hill, and everything else that made life sacred while I was there. And knowing that I just walked away from all that. And knowing that I'm not sure how well I'll take to "just your average parish Advent" celebrations when I've become so steeped in the monastic community.

And then I began thinking about next weekend, when I'm going to be attending a retreat with that other community, and how I'm not sure how that will go either. After all, I was at that same location for a similarly-purposed retreat ten years ago in the height of my "Let's Go Nunsters" phase .... when I was working for, sometimes living with, and considering to be an honorary member of one of their local communities. Now, I've been away from it (and them) for ten years. What will it be like to go back to their holy ground? To be not at the monastery for that Advent Sunday? To be celebrating the Feast of the Immaculate Conception when it no longer is my monastery's patronal feast? Especially when it's time away ..... to think, discuss, discern, pray, share ......?

I think that was my problem today. There was time to stop and think. That's the killer for me.

Must. Over-busy. Myself.

Part of today, too, was the realization that, after five years in the monastery, I've got no one to go to. There's my roommate, who has her own discernment challenges. There are all her friends that I've become hooked up with, but they're still her friends. And then there are people from the monastery. And other people from the monastery. And, wait, what about .....? Oh yeah, that's right, she's a monastery person, too.

It's not that I'm not welcome there, because I very much am. And it's not that no one there wants to talk to me, because I'm sure many would be more than willing. But _I_ don't know how to. _I_ don't know how to deal with the fact that I feel like I just walked out on them. Even though I KNOW I didn't, they know I didn't, and I don't regret those five years for anything ..... it's still hard.

And I truly don't regret it. I guarantee that, had I entered the other community five years ago, there's no way I would have made it. When I made that comment to the monastery vocation director, she said: "You're exactly right. You would have left them, you wouldn't have gone anywhere else, and we all would have lost you. You needed to be here."

But just because it's right doesn't mean it's not hard.

And so I guess that brings me to one of the big ideas of Benedict (I'm still allowed to like the guy, right?) .....
Always we begin again.
Ten years later, and I feel like I'm right back where I started. Funny how life works, eh?

Wireless Once More

2007-11-11T22:59:00.000-05:00

I caved a week ago, and spent my birthday afternoon (before heading off to fencing!) getting our apartment all wirelessly hooked-up. And yes, as mentioned before, it was immediately password-protected. I'm all about the double-standard!

So ...... hoping to re-hook-up on here. Though I'm finding Facebook to be a bit addictive as well .....

In the meantime, let me leave you with a simple parting wish ..... that your pet elephant not develop a peanut allergy!

It's November Already?!?!?!?!?

2007-11-02T19:08:00.000-04:00

OK, so I'm FINALLY sucking it up and getting me some internets ...... fighting for a signal is just too obnoxious. That, plus I keep having all these bloggable thoughts but no way to blog them.

So, yeah. And I know you've heard it all before, so I'm not even gonna bother with all my lines.

Except, at least, for the favorite quote from yesterday's class:

Can I go back to my last classroom and get my shoe? ... I shouldn't have even said anything. I should have just asked to go back and get something I forgot. .... I'm just gonna go get it now. {All the while I'm just too busy laughing to respond.}

The Story of a Vocation II** ... how Steph makes decisions

2007-10-11T17:53:00.000-04:00

** Part I here **

Upon returning home for my senior year, I began to feel a little more OK about my place with my classmates, due both to the positive experience in Houston as well as various events of senior year (retreat, misunderstandings with school administration, etc.). So, while in some respects it was too late to develop too many deep bonds, at least I went out on a pretty good note.

Senior year also brought the alleged college-hunt. I say "alleged" because otherwise there's the implication that I was actually looking at different schools. The reality of it, however, was that there was absolutely no looking going on. I'm the youngest of six; the oldest went to Xavier in Cinncinnati, and three of the other four went to Dayton. Living in the Washington, DC, metropolitan area (Maryland suburbs), we had no Ohio connections, and therefore no logical reason for all of us to end up out there for school. Apparently, as the story goes, my second sister went along for the ride with a friend's college hunt and called my parents from Dayton saying "This is where I'm going to go." My parents, then, after dropping the oldest at Xavier for her freshman year, stopped by and checked out Dayton.

By the time it got to me, then, I knew the campus pretty well, having visited it gazillions of times over the previous eleven years or so. The others loved it, so there had to be something good there; they had a strong engineering program; I was familiar with the place; and, since my brother was graduating just as I was starting, I at least knew a few people if I got into trouble. While she loved the school, my mom was sick of driving to Ohio (go figure!), so she first tried to get me to look at George Washington --- I wanted at least one tree on my campus, plus I wanted to be a little farther than a Metro ride. We did go check out Villanova, though, but the whole time I was there, I kept saying: "I like Dayton's _____ better. Dayton's _____ are nicer" and so forth. (Open-mindedness was not necessarily my strong suit!) Consequently, I sent out three college applications: Dayton (duh!), Villanova (just cuz), and Maryland (in case something came up and I had to stay home).

So off I went to become a Dayton Flyer.

Quoting my Facebook Status ....

2007-09-22T14:43:00.000-04:00

Stephanie is finally giving up on the whole "getting internet" thing (too lazy to) and has decided to stop using that as an excuse for being webically absent.

Yes, it's true. I've been way too slackerish and very much missing all my online buddies. {That, plus I've discovered wireless on our balcony!} So, I have returned. Of course, I'm not sure if there's even anyone out there to notice the return anymore, considering what a disappearing friend I've been, but ..... oh well .... I'd deserve it, right?

Anyway, I promise I'll be better. If nothing else, I've at least gotta post those other "Story of a Vocation" pieces ..... give at least a little explanation for the blog-shift.

Regardless, just know that I'm still alive, still teaching, and soon to be blogging once more.

Oh yeah, and I have a kitten, too. But more on her later!

Minor Time-Out

2007-07-30T15:58:00.000-04:00

Lots of travel on both coasts (brother in Northern California; family at Delaware beaches)

Moving and attempting to unpack and get settled

Getting new computer but not getting it set up yet

Lots of busy-business like cell phones & license plates

Avoiding thoughts about school

AND, worst of all ...... not having the timeless time-sucker of internet, because neighbors decided to move and took their nonsecure wireless with them, leaving us with the dreaded dial-up. Having been spoiled for too long, I just couldn't bring myself to suffer through it.

Several future chapters of the Story of Vocation have been written on Palmy (pda) on the flights, but have not been able to get them posted (did I mention no internet?) but they'll come soon.

CURSE YOU WI-FI PROTECTIONS!!!!! (Of course, once we get wireless, I guarantee it'll be protected .....)

So ..... sorry for the absence, but it's been much-needed downtime. More to come sooner rather than later, now that I have a mostly-put-together room and will be desperately in need of anti-school avoidance tactics!

At least I've got Panera .......

The Story of a Vocation ... the early years*

2007-06-23T11:36:00.000-04:00

I grew up in a good Catholic family — church on Sundays, Advent wreath, mac&cheese on Fridays in Lent, all that good stuff. However, I went to our parish grade school where I was the resident outcast, so for me going to church simply meant that I got to see on Sunday all the people who made my life a living hell the other five days of the week {yes, I realize there are actually six other days of the week, but since sometimes we'd have stuff on Saturdays .... wait a sec, I don't have to defend myself to you. If you don't like what I'm typing, well .... ummmm ..... :-Þ. As I was saying ....}. Needless to say, church was not the most profoundly moving experience for me, and I extended that lack-of-impact over into my classroom experiences. From my memory {which I readily admit is most likely not the reality of how things were}, my eighth-grade scripture class had homework like: Read the first the chapters of Genesis and outline them in proper outline form. So ... Roman Numeral One: Creation. Capital A: The First Day. Number 1: Darkness and Light. While Confirmation was something that we allegedly had a choice in, in actuality, in my mind, there wasn't even an option. Most importantly and obviously, that would imply that I had actually thought about it, which by no means was the case. Besides, if you're already "The Wierd One" that everyone loves to hate, you don't exactly want to give people more material. Then there's the added detail that this is part of the curriculum for the year — like I'm really gonna make my teacher come up with all this other work for me to do instead. So, I went with the crowd and did my Confirmation prep. Lots of questions to answer various nights .... if I didn't do them (which was often the case), I got to stay after school in the principal's office until I finished them, just like with my math or English homework (again, which often happened {have I ever mentioned my slacker-tendencies?}). Hence, religion was a class, just like any other class; reflection was merely homework, just like any other; and the Bible became a textbook, just like any other.

As I continued on into a Catholic high school, religion became even more of an intellectual exercise, with the classes being more academically-focused. I continued going to church on Sundays because, well, that's what you do. We didn't have any of that new-fangled "youth ministry" stuff, so the extent of my involvement was sittin' in the pew. During the summer before my senior year, I did participate in a two-week service project in Houston, although that was more for the chance to get out of town for a bit than for any more altruistic reasons. The project was run by the Society of the Sacred Heart (the religious order that ran my high school; they have twenty-one schools in the US that are connected as the Network of Sacred Heart Schools), and it pulled twelve girls from throughout the Network to come together and work with disadvantaged kids and seniors in a poor Hispanic part of town. We slept on the floor of classrooms, hung out, and had fun. It was a good time, but nothing overly spiritually enthusing, at least that I can remember. It was good, though, in that I didn't feel like such the social outcast {having been so traumatized in grade school, I sabatoged myself in high school and decided that everyone there must not like me either ... a fact that I only began to see the stupidity of during my senior year}, so it was a helpful experience for that.

I was one of the last ones to fly out from Houston at the end of the two weeks, and I remember sitting there in the airport with two of the sisters as they talked to me about what I was planning to do for college. I explained to them how people said I was good in math and science and that perhaps I should consider engineering; my dad knew how much I liked chemistry and suggested chemical engineering. I had never heard of ChemE, but I figured I'd give it a shot — at least until something better came along. Or perhaps I'd do chemistry; I wasn't sure which, but there's a decent overlap if I decided to drop back from the engineering to the pure science side of things.

As I talked to these two sisters about this, one told me how she had started in ChemE as well, but she dropped it for reasons I don't remember anymore. The other one {who had struck me the one night as she, a "nun", came in to tell us "Lights Out" in Ohio State boxers and a t-shirt and instead of getting us all quiet told us the whole story of how she had been engaged before she entered the community} said that she didn't see me as a chemical engineer; "I see you as a teacher, school counselor, or social worker." I told her there was no way — I didn't have the patience for any of that. She insisted that I did, saying that she had seen me with those kids.

Then I got on the plane, flew home, and that was the end of that.

^*I don't suppose anyone out there {besides my family} gets the reference in the subject line there .... maybe you'll get a prize if you do .....

To Guests of My Former Blog

2007-06-21T12:57:00.000-04:00

Please feel free to update links to me. My move is in no way motivated by the need to hide, go underground, or anything else. The "email for info" as opposed to a link was just a practical means of eliminating a direct connection between this blog and that one. In the meantime, I'll be attempting to rebuilding my own links from before as well.

So .... welcome to my new home. Please be patient as I slowly get all my boxes unpacked.

A New Beginning

2007-06-20T13:56:00.001-04:00

And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year: Give me a light, that I may tread safely into the unknown.
And he replied: Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light, and safer than a known way.

~ M. Louise Haskins